Thursday, September 12, 2013
Drowning
Eleven months ago my world cracked apart and dropped me-
Alone, in the very center of a vast ocean.
I felt numb at first.
And then, the thought (blissful) 'give up the fight, and just sink... gently... to the bottom'.
No more hurt.
I saw my children a little way off.
I started to swim.
I gathered them in my arms.
I held them up-- up
But, oh! How to be a raft in the middle of the ocean when I am drowning myself?
People floated by, on boats, safe and secure in their world.
Should I scream out to them for help?
If I did, would they be drawn in to the water with me?
Was drowning contagious?
Often, my voice wouldn't work.
I couldn't gather the strength to scream out loud.
Sometimes people saw me.
Sometimes they yelled out words of encouragement "Keep going!"
Sometimes they threw me something to help us float.
Sometimes people saw me.
And they looked the other way.
Sharks circled, at times.
I saw them.
and felt afraid.
Each time they came, I prayed "Please, God!" in my mind.
I knew He heard my silent screaming.
The sharks did not attack directly.
I felt better when I forgot their prescence.
When I could begin to Trust
again, I found myself able to begin to build a raft
from the pieces people threw me from their boats as they passed by.
My raft is afloat, now.
Not yet a boat.
But a beginning.
I am still in the middle of the ocean.
But, My children are safely held aloft.
I am on watch, Against sharks.
I stand with paddle poised for attack.
Someday maybe I will have a boat again.
And as I float through the ocean, I will keep watch for those who drown,
in the ocean,
all alone.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Trauma
I used to associate the word "trauma" with a rush of emergency responders ushering in a bleeding person in to the emergency room...
Now, for me, trauma is more closely related to a phone conversation, in my room, in my house, where I was supposed to be safe.
Trauma, for me, involves a long, drawn out, back and forth exchange, with my husband, who I had trusted completely.
No first responders. No emergency room. Just me. On my bedroom floor. And my children, in the hall, outside my bedroom door, trying to hear. After I hung up the phone, I stared at the wall from the vantage point of the floor, too shocked to even cry.
Time slowed. It stopped. Nothing made sense. I couldn't sleep. Or eat. Or think.
After that, more trauma followed. Further revelations. At my in-law's house. In my husband's car. Walking down the street behind the kids as they trick or treated. My phone pinging incoming text messages with horrifying information I had to sift through to discover the extent of the betrayal. Trauma, in the doctor's office, having my blood drawn, to see what sort of STI my husband had given me. Trauma, speaking with the detective about the investigation... my baby daughter... molested... most likely will not remember.... answering the door and being served with divorce papers... told to sell the house... moving... court... custody hearing... trauma. I keep thinking "This is the worst it will ever get" and it isn't....
Now, eleven months later, my vision is beginning to clear. Now, the hard part begins. Now is when I have to figure out how to make sense of what happened.
This blog is my attempt to make sense of what happened to me. Trauma left me feeling powerless... without a voice. I was screaming, screaming, screaming inside and no one heard me. Some days I'm still screaming. And some days, I see beautiful growth. I want to talk about both. And I really want to know that someone is listening.
Now, for me, trauma is more closely related to a phone conversation, in my room, in my house, where I was supposed to be safe.
Trauma, for me, involves a long, drawn out, back and forth exchange, with my husband, who I had trusted completely.
No first responders. No emergency room. Just me. On my bedroom floor. And my children, in the hall, outside my bedroom door, trying to hear. After I hung up the phone, I stared at the wall from the vantage point of the floor, too shocked to even cry.
Time slowed. It stopped. Nothing made sense. I couldn't sleep. Or eat. Or think.
After that, more trauma followed. Further revelations. At my in-law's house. In my husband's car. Walking down the street behind the kids as they trick or treated. My phone pinging incoming text messages with horrifying information I had to sift through to discover the extent of the betrayal. Trauma, in the doctor's office, having my blood drawn, to see what sort of STI my husband had given me. Trauma, speaking with the detective about the investigation... my baby daughter... molested... most likely will not remember.... answering the door and being served with divorce papers... told to sell the house... moving... court... custody hearing... trauma. I keep thinking "This is the worst it will ever get" and it isn't....
Now, eleven months later, my vision is beginning to clear. Now, the hard part begins. Now is when I have to figure out how to make sense of what happened.
This blog is my attempt to make sense of what happened to me. Trauma left me feeling powerless... without a voice. I was screaming, screaming, screaming inside and no one heard me. Some days I'm still screaming. And some days, I see beautiful growth. I want to talk about both. And I really want to know that someone is listening.
Timeline
Here is what happened...
October, 1978- I was born. In SLC, Utah. I don't remember much about this. As evidenced from the pictures, though, I was a very loved and wanted baby.
October, 1981- my brother Nick was born. After some consideration, I decided this was okay.
December, 1983- Family moves to San Antonio, Texas.
July, 1985- my sister Cassie came along.
June, 1988- Adam (another brother) is born.
June, 1991 Family moves from San Antonio, Texas to Lakewood, Colorado.
1994-1997 Green Mountain High School.
January, 1996- David (foster brother) comes to live with us.
April, 1997- David is adopted by another family.
August, 1997- I go to Cedar City, Utah for college.
August, 1998- my family moves to Atlanta, Georgia.
October, 1998- I meet Will.
May-June 1999- Trip to Europe
December 1999- I marry Will.
January, 2000- We move to Draper, Utah. I transfer to the University of Utah.
March, 2000- Will returns to pornography. I don't know. Three whole months of fidelity.
January, 2001- We move to Stansbury Park, Utah.
April, 2001- Son, Liam is born.
August, 2003- Daughter, Ainsley is born.
February, 2005- Will molests Ainsley. I don't know.
April, 2005- We move to American Fork, Utah.
April, 2006- Will has first encounter with a prostitute in China.
October, 2008- We start proctor care. Alan comes to live with us.
January, 2009- Alan goes home.
February, 2009- April comes... runs away three days later.
February, 2009- Aubrey comes.
May, 2009- Aubrey runs away.
May, 2009- Mariah comes.
June, 2009- Stephanie comes.
October, 2009- Stephanie miscarries, runs away with a boyfriend.
October, 2009- Yazmin comes.
January, 2010- Yazmin runs away.
February, 2010- Chelsea comes.
March, 2010- Mariah leaves.
May, 2010- Chelsea runs away.
June, 2010- Chelsea returns, and graduates from the program.
June, 2010- Tangie comes.
July, 2010- Letty comes.
July, 2010- Tangie leaves. I ask for Tangie to leave.
August, 2010- Jocelyn comes.
October, 2010- Jocelyn runs away.
October, 2010- Lindsay comes.
December, 2010- Letty threatens to kill Lindsay. Lindsay leaves.
May, 2011- Letty threatens to hurt my family.
August, 2011- finish licensing for foster care. Kalissa comes.
October, 2011- Kalissa's godmother accuses me of negligence, Kalissa leaves.
December, 2011- Forrest comes.
July, 2011- Jesse comes. Two weeks later I ask for Jesse to leave.
October, 2012- Will tells me 1) he has an addiction to pornography 2) he has been involved with prostitutes pretty regularly (twice a month, at last estimate) since 2006 3) he molested Ainsley in February of 2005. We separate.
January, 2013- I start my Master's in Clinical Mental Health Counseling.
March, 2013- Will tells me that I have to sell the house.
April, 2013- The kids and I move to Lehi, Utah.
July, 2013- Court to determine supervised visitation.
September, 2013- Now.
October, 1978- I was born. In SLC, Utah. I don't remember much about this. As evidenced from the pictures, though, I was a very loved and wanted baby.
October, 1981- my brother Nick was born. After some consideration, I decided this was okay.
December, 1983- Family moves to San Antonio, Texas.
July, 1985- my sister Cassie came along.
June, 1988- Adam (another brother) is born.
June, 1991 Family moves from San Antonio, Texas to Lakewood, Colorado.
1994-1997 Green Mountain High School.
January, 1996- David (foster brother) comes to live with us.
April, 1997- David is adopted by another family.
August, 1997- I go to Cedar City, Utah for college.
August, 1998- my family moves to Atlanta, Georgia.
October, 1998- I meet Will.
May-June 1999- Trip to Europe
December 1999- I marry Will.
January, 2000- We move to Draper, Utah. I transfer to the University of Utah.
March, 2000- Will returns to pornography. I don't know. Three whole months of fidelity.
January, 2001- We move to Stansbury Park, Utah.
April, 2001- Son, Liam is born.
August, 2003- Daughter, Ainsley is born.
February, 2005- Will molests Ainsley. I don't know.
April, 2005- We move to American Fork, Utah.
April, 2006- Will has first encounter with a prostitute in China.
October, 2008- We start proctor care. Alan comes to live with us.
January, 2009- Alan goes home.
February, 2009- April comes... runs away three days later.
February, 2009- Aubrey comes.
May, 2009- Aubrey runs away.
May, 2009- Mariah comes.
June, 2009- Stephanie comes.
October, 2009- Stephanie miscarries, runs away with a boyfriend.
October, 2009- Yazmin comes.
January, 2010- Yazmin runs away.
February, 2010- Chelsea comes.
March, 2010- Mariah leaves.
May, 2010- Chelsea runs away.
June, 2010- Chelsea returns, and graduates from the program.
June, 2010- Tangie comes.
July, 2010- Letty comes.
July, 2010- Tangie leaves. I ask for Tangie to leave.
August, 2010- Jocelyn comes.
October, 2010- Jocelyn runs away.
October, 2010- Lindsay comes.
December, 2010- Letty threatens to kill Lindsay. Lindsay leaves.
May, 2011- Letty threatens to hurt my family.
August, 2011- finish licensing for foster care. Kalissa comes.
October, 2011- Kalissa's godmother accuses me of negligence, Kalissa leaves.
December, 2011- Forrest comes.
July, 2011- Jesse comes. Two weeks later I ask for Jesse to leave.
October, 2012- Will tells me 1) he has an addiction to pornography 2) he has been involved with prostitutes pretty regularly (twice a month, at last estimate) since 2006 3) he molested Ainsley in February of 2005. We separate.
January, 2013- I start my Master's in Clinical Mental Health Counseling.
March, 2013- Will tells me that I have to sell the house.
April, 2013- The kids and I move to Lehi, Utah.
July, 2013- Court to determine supervised visitation.
September, 2013- Now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)